I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
