well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
