I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
