She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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