i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
smell my finger.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
