I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize