you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
