Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
