there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
