She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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