I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
