im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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