I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
