You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
