OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
