i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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