so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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