the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
