That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
