The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
