she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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