well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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