??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize