The best revenge is premature balding
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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