My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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