drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
