she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
