wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
