And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
