please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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