Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you didnt know i had herpes?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
