you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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