wrigley field is MILF paradise
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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