I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize