So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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