I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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