when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize