Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
