Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
