Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
