these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
