You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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