Your face is a jimmy john
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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