When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
