I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
