Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
