So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
