Someone shit on the floor
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
