I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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