I cannot find my penis.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
