i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No subtext here. People are naked.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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