the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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