He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
