ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
