She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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