Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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