The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
