WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize