She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
