So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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