using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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