Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just threw up on my dentist
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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