Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
