Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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