A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My ass is underappreciated
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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