can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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