Whod you bang
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
